humor

My Random Madness Continued … Atlanta Edition

Dj Xpeckt’s facebook notes;

Whatup People,

Without A, B, or C, I will just dive into my rumblings.

For the virgin visitors to my notes, just get acquainted. I ramble alot about stuff people know but are scared of saying so some things you read in the note may piss you off , other things may make you laugh but at the end of the day, it’s all RAW REALITY

AIR TRAN AIRLINES————YES ………AIR TRAN AIRLINES—————–I need thirty nine dollars and fifty cents …in symbolic speech known as $39.50 refunded from my plane ticket to and from Atlanta this past thanksgiving. I clearly stated that on my return flight that I wanted a window seat and as soon as I got to the airport, I found out that I had been placed on a middle seat. I tried to reason with the fellow at the booking counter hoping that he would change my seat but the dude refused……….and he was black………………and African too, now I’m not saying that I deserved any privilege ..but I’m just saying…….I was hoping for some brotherly love…..u know…. I even changed my accent to sound more African so I woul d earn more points and was like…….ehhhhh…….mmmmmmm….soooo, yaaaaaa… ( It’s an African thing….we make more sounds than we speak, I don’t know where that came from..ask your older relatives)…. I then proceeded to warm up to the big question…..,” My friend, so nowwww, and let me ask you………( notice how long it’s taking to get to the point ).

Were it a white person whom I shall name Amber, she would have been like, ‘ So are there no window seats?? Really?? That sucks but it’s fine, maybe next time hahahahaha ( laughing for nothing)….and were it our African American brethren and sisteren, you know the whole conversation would have gone left. Anyways I gave up pleading with the African brother because I figured out that once I went past the security check, e.t.c. I could try to continue pleading my case at the counter right before the boarding place but I was wrong. Even before I reached gate 10 the woman at the counter was announcing over and over on the loudspeaker thing that the flight to Minneapolis was full and they could not make any changes to seat assignments or so but people ignored and lined up to try and argue their case…………..big mistake. This was one angry black woman …and she proceeded to tear down everyone who approached the counter…loudly…really loud , and especially tore down even a senior citizen by saying , ‘SIR I JUST ANNOUNCED OVER THE LOUDSPEAKER THAT WE CANNOT MAKE ANY ACCOMODATIONS OR CHANGES SEATWISE………….I DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE A BLADDER PROBLEM AND WILL NEED TO SIT NEAR THE LAVORATORIES HOWEVER WE CANNOT MAKE ANY ADJUSTMENTS. I WOULD SUGGEST YOU WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE BOARDED THE FLIGHT AND THEN APPROACH A FELLOW PASSENGER SITTING NEAR THE LAVORATORIES AND ASK FOR A SEAT CHANGE’…………are you kidding me’? I thought to myself . Like would you expect me to approach some fly ass chic sitting somewhere and ask to swap seats because I have a bladder problem? Hell no, to hell with the bladder stuff. I would rather tie a plastic paper bag round his highness and collect water balloons all through the flight hehehhehee. ATLANTAAAA…….who told me there is love in the south? Black people in the A are a bit LOUD…….or rather the ones at the airport goddam it!! See when I arrived on Thursday, there was such heavy traffic in the A that my welcoming committee figured out that the easiest way for us to connect would be for me to take a train they have called ‘MARTA’ train to a a station called Dunwoody , then they would scoop me up n we proceed since traffic wld take hrs for them to get to me. So I followed directions in the airport to the spot which had signs saying ‘MARTA TRAIN’ and of course there are people who need more information . Now if you think the airline woman was bad, this train woman was a demon!!! Her voice was the loudest I have ever heard ….apart from the wails of Kenyan women and men back home when some shit has hit the fan. This woman was talking soooo loud that I even thought she was fighting a group of people, but behold she figured out that instead of offering polite customer service to people individually, she would just yell at everyone standing around her to pass the information once and for all…..and she was like…’THE MARTA TRAIN IS THIS WAY…..AND Y’ALL NEED TO GO TO THE MACHINES ON THE WALL AND INSERT TWO DOLLARS AND FITY CEN ( yes fity cen instead of fifty cents) THEN WALK OVER TO THE GATES AND SLIDE THE TICKET OVER THE SCANNER AND IT WILL LET YOU IN TOWARDS THE TRACKS!!.….and she was sooo loud and dare you question her, you would get another berating, like those ones of…….SIR , YOU ONLY NEED FITY CEN MORE, YES YES, NOW ONLY TIEN CEN……by this time I had moved closer but kept a distance because I did not want to be in her sights and receive a yelling for no reason. Even passersby were stopping to look at this dramatic scene and the woman kept going on and on. I got soo engulfed in observing that I forgot I was one of the only people closest to her and she got me, ‘ SIR YOU ONLY NEED TWO DOLLAR AND FITY CEN AND PROCEED TO THE GATES AS I EXPLAINED BEFORE. DID YOU GET IT?’ ………there was no way I was letting this woman tear me down in front of people, I replied , “ Nah I’m cool, waiting for my chauffer’and walked past the railway tracks as if I was exiting, no time to be publicly humiliated. Idled around until I saw her focus elsewhere then literarily ran to the machines, threw in my $2.50 and ran towards the gates to swipe and hit the tracks before Big Momma returned but the scanner thing wouldn’t go through and she caught up to me……..’I KNEW U WAS FENNA GET ON THE TRAIN WHY WERE U TALKIN ABOUT A CHAUFFER N STUFF? “ then she burst out laughing super loud……I looked at this woman very coldly …………………and the only thing going through my head was ‘ Allah Wakbar’……nuff said. I was ready to go to the extreme on muthas. ……anyway I already suffer enough humiliation on my #3 bus in Minneapolis and now all the way in ATL too coz of the train? Dayum. Speaking as a senior public transportation customer engineering analyst, these people need to treat we the public commuters with some respect. Now back to the AIR TRAN PEOPLE………not only was I placed in a middle seat….it was between two very old white women. One was by the wIndow, the other was by the aisle……….and I was in the middle…..very uncomfortable….very very very. They were very nosy about everything I did….I couldn’t even read my magazines…and only at that point is when I realized that these days hiphop magazines had gone to the extreme. Squashed between them, every page I turned on the XXL mag had an advert with a chic wearing almost nothing and her hind quarters literarily protruding out of the pages…………and they made it look sooo graphic and made the behind seem to stick out sooo far that at some point I thought I saw a shadow of it on my right arm……then there was the eye- candy section with even worse graphic stuff of music video models. I kept flipping the pages so fast and I could sense by now that the only thing going through these old ladies’ heads was ‘pervert’ and ‘freak’. I flipped the pages super fast to get to the classified section and behold it was even worse. ¾ of the adverts were for black semi-porn dvds with bold names like BUTTER BUTT and THUNDER CLAP ( I did not even want to imagine what kind of clap that was or what would be clapping). With that said, I did my own arithmetic to calculate that AIR TRAN SHOULD REFUND ME THIRTY NIEN DOLLARS AND FITY CEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=================================================================================
I know I blab too much but I just have to let out a couple of more things on my head that cannot wait for another note, surely……
Some of you may or may not know my name is Peter, my brother is Paul, I have a friend called John, and one called Moses……………..get the drift? Every Kenyan seems to be named after some character in the bible ……………which is a good sign you know…………strong faith n stuff, nice nice, This is what my question is…………….do people from different areas in Kenya feed off vybes from different chapters of the bible? I am not being funny or rude but let me ask you, how come if you are in a place like Nairobi you bump into all the Josephs, Mary’s , Anne, Nicholas, and Esther but if you are in Loitokitok and several rural areas spread across the country, you will bump into Shephatia , Ebenezer, Nebuchadnezzar, Chorazin, Cappadocia, and Thessalonica???? Were our folks reading from different bibles, different testaments, or what? Just a question, don’t be angry at me, do the research………..I know y’all have heard of anEbenezer fungututi or a Thessalonica Wangombe or Shephatia Ongweso

Last but not least, I had a status message recently that created a mini- furor on FB. I simplythought out loud that I can bet you ¾ of the people who listed themselves as being in a relationship were doing so because an insecure significant other made them do so. What do you think? True or false. Don’t lie to yourselves people………..unless you are maybe a dj or singer or promoter trying to promote your next show YOU are definitely scoping other stuff out and I can bet you it is related to the opposite sex ( I see you laughing….you know it’s true, yes you do). We are human, be honest. If I wasn’t a dj/promoter/producer trying to promote my shows you best believe I would be on the ladies 24/7 and trust me there would be no way I would list my status as being in a relationship. Lolllll so think to yourself……..why have you really listed yourself as being in a relationship on FB?
And then it doesn’t help that ¾ of people who are my friends on FB keep breaking up every two days…for reasons only God knows but what I do know is for the ones who break up on weekends….especially at night as Saturday transitions into Sunday…it’s due to alcohol and some shit going wrong at a party or club……….or the significant other has disappeared and left you disgruntled in the crib alone, loll and you turn to your dear friend facebook…then proceed to break up with him or her…then post one of those status messages that will make only you look like a fool….something like, ……………is glad he\she is out of my life. I always knew I was better. God has bigger plans for me. And you are solos in the crib having chest pains ( diplomatically meaning your having a heart break). Lollll. You shoud see how many people on facebook invoke God when they are having relationship problems,…………like all of facebook. The bottom line is….keep your biz of facebook because there like 1000 me’s laughing at you, and you are putting my 8-5 job in jeopardy because I cannot work as I am spending most of my time reading enjoying the real life web soap opera between you and your other. Lol. I wasn’t even going to write a note about this until I saw a status message saying that CHIC had broken up with DUDE. I was like..yup yup same old shit until two hours later I saw a comment under the status…and it was a comment from DUDE replying to the status saying, ‘ It’s all good…you just had to let the whole world know? It’s all good!!!!” I was like WHATTTTTT!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED SOOO HARD IN MY LIFE. I WAS DYING!!!!!!!!!! I spilled my coffee on myself. So I decided to look more into chic’s profile and her wall was plastered with notes from DUDE posting stuff like ‘ we are meant for each other’, ‘ I love you’, e.t.c. In fact, a status message of hers from a few days before mentioned “I wish he could just leave me alone”. And DUDE had commented saying something like , ‘ I know, I wish so but I think we were meant to be’. I shook my head. People people, make facebook work for you…………..not against you………………See you in the next note. Kapish!!!!!!!!

Yours truly
Shoshannim Sela-Hammah-Lekoth
From the old testament

7 thoughts on “My Random Madness Continued … Atlanta Edition

  1. Pingback: HIV / AIDS Treatment » My Random Madness Continued … Atlanta Edition « MinneAfrica

  2. I always knew U to be a good DJ Peteh (Liberian pronunciation of Peter), but I didn’t know you were a COMEDIAN. Real talk in your post though.

  3. Yeah, I second YeA. I never could have guessed in 10 thousand years that you were this FUNNY. You had me laughing so hard at work, it’s a suprise I still got a job. That was funny as hell! Long as hell, but do you know I read every word. I couldn’t stop or skip a line.

  4. Actually he used to write all sorts of funny articles back in the day on various Kenyan websites then went into hiding for some years. He just started writing notes on his fb page, this is his third article. Aha! Welcome back Peter, welcome back :-)

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  6. Ahahahahaha the XXL mag – too funny !!!!! I just realized how much I needed to laugh today. Thank you!!!!

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